Do we see ourselves as being men primarily committed to telling the truth, or men primarily committed to building relationships? Often it feels like the two are mutually exclusive: telling to whole truth might permanently harm a friendship.
In Ephesians 4:15 we are urged to speak the truth in love. Apparently it IS possible.
Experience tells me that people tend toward one of these principles more than another. We either lean toward telling the truth at all costs, the burning wreckage of wounded friendships in the rear-view mirror of our lives, or we lean toward keeping the peace at all costs, while realizing we left a key piece of truth unspoken.
A consistent pattern of shading the truth is motivated by fear; a consistent pattern of harshly speaking the truth is motivated by anger.
I believe it’s to our benefit to take some time to identify where we are on this scale. Which way do we naturally lean? I lean toward valuing relationships. As a result I need to be aware that I can avoid telling the whole truth. I need to make an extra effort to, as Bill Hybels says, “tell the last 10%.” Often that’s the crucial element of truth that needs to be revealed.
Jesus was a master of speaking the truth in love. His conversation with the woman at the well in John 4 is one of the shining examples of how well he loved others, while unflinchingly telling them everything they really needed to know in order to be transformed.
How about you? Which way do you lean? Which principle do you need to put extra attention to in order to honor others and your own integrity: Truth or Love?
My greatest joy in life is my family. I know, that sounds like the comment you’re supposed to make as a man and father. All I can say is I literally shake my head in wonder at the family I have: my wife Beryl; my daughter Barclay and son-in-law Vince, their four daughters, Bella, Brynn, Brooke and Blake; my son Alec, my son Conor and daughter-in-law Bonnie, their daughter Gemma and son Calvin. Every one of them is a genuine gift. Beyond that, I have a calling that I live out through Peregrine Ministries. It is to help men: Understand their identity in Christ, Embrace their role as men, and Live out their God-given calling in life. Bottom line is I’m convinced men matter and I want to help them live life on purpose.
Comments: 3
I agree. Truth is hard especially if your a people person who is very concerned about how the person will feel about you. Yet if truth is a principle in your life, being truthful to others and even yourself is paramount.
The question is how to do it in a loving and patient manner. Maybe waiting on the Spirits prompting has something to do with it.
I know when someone is honest with me and tells the truth I go through a cycle that may look something like this:
1. The “how could they saw that stage.” I’m angry and resentful, but of course I don’t show it.
2. “Softening Phase.” I start to dare to think they may be onto something. I still don’t like it that they said it, but at least I am exploring the possibility.
3. “Accept or reject Phase” One way or another I’m ready to be at peace with the feedback.
4. “Implementation Phase”
5. “Appreciation Phase” I’m finally sharing how grateful I am to the person. Open and typically good dialogue along with restored relationship in my mind and heart.
Good stuff.
REED
Thanks for contributing to the conversation, Reed. Keep it up.
I was recently at a conference where the speaker talked about his accountability group. He called it his “iron council” (iron sharpens iron) – “where open rebuke is valued over secret love.”
I would have to say this “truth or/in love” may be one of the most profound relational tools available for our santification – but one that is so hard to live out properly. Within the context of marriage, my bride and I find it easy to see older couples that have not allowed their most valuable teacher (spouse) the ability to speak honestly into them, and therefore aid in their transfomation process. While it is easy to see, it is hard to live out properly. The giving and the recieving of the truth in love seems to be of equal weight.
We have found the idea put forth in the “Love and Respect” book to be helpful – we should assume the good will in the person that we are hearing the truth from. That many times allows us to initially hear constructive criticism in a healthy manner. That of course does presuppose a certain level of trust.
I also find it useful to think of my own experiences with sharpening axes, knives, swords, etc over the years. The saying, iron sharpens iron, has always been a saying that may have a deeper meaning to it. I think that if two pieces of iron are equally sharp and hard and striking against each other, there is only a dulling effect. I tend to think of a blacksmith and the softening of the metal in a fire before he manipulates it. I also think of the stones and files that I use to sharpen with. It is my understanding that they are always harder than the blade I am sharpening. I also think of the verses where the clay should not question the hand and purpose of the potter. I see a soft humbleness in the clay and in the blade that is getting sharpened. The word that comes to mind opposite of humble and soft is brittle . . . brittle made me think of bitter. I am wondering if a spoiler in the process of love and truth could be bitterness, a cancer that may quickly sabotage truth in love. A bitter giver of truth or a bitter reciever of truth may do much to squelch the work of the Holy Spirit in the process.