My dad is disappearing. In fact, to a large extent he has already disappeared. I’m just trying to learn how to say Goodbye.
A naval officer in World War II and Pentagon intelligence officer during the Korean War, hospital administrator for two and a half decades, and the director of a ministry support organization, my dad has lived the classic life of a member of The Greatest Generation, as Tom Brokaw has named them.
Dad rose from a blue-collar neighborhood on Chicago’s Southside, to attend Notre Dame, Princeton, Columbia and Northwestern. He served his nation, his family, his colleagues and God well.
Two and a half years ago, my mother passed away, and Dad has lived in the void of that loss every day since. His body is filled with arthritis and manageable cancer, and is now falling victim to Alzheimer’s. Yet he rises each day to take his meds, eat, chat a bit, and then go back to bed. His waning life has a terrible beauty I can’t put into words.
My sister and brother-in-law, Carolyn and Michael, have provided heroic care for him every day for these past years. Periodically my brothers and I spend a few days at his side. This week I am with him.
Conversation with Dad is increasingly brief; marked by sudden glimpses of the “real” Dad—even his humor:
“Dad, do you want to get up to take your pills?”
“Do I have a choice?’
“Dad, what hurts today?”
“What doesn’t?!”
Michael recently gave us a tip about how to talk with parents disappearing through Alzheimer’s: Don’t ask them to tell stories about their lives, tell them their stories. It’s genius.
Fortunately, we have some tools at our disposal. My dad wrote a book to his grandchildren several years ago, relating the 
highlights and memories of his life, Through the Eyes of A Grandfather. He also has a booklet compiled for him of his writings to his staff at Bethesda Hospital, which he took from an empty abandoned shell to a modern care-focused House of Mercy, as Bethesda means in Hebrew.
These days I spend with him I read to him the words he passed on to his staff in the 50’s, 60’s and 70’s; and the words he has passed on to his grandchildren 20 years ago. This clip is from the day when he was led to the Lord by an evangelist in February, 1937. This plaque hanging in his kitchen describes the deep gratitude he has for that day. “He paid a debt He did not owe; for I owed a debt I could not pay.”
I confess my sadness, my weakness, my inability to know how to process this profound life slowly disappearing before my eyes. And I confess that I long for him to go Home, to be reunited with Vonnie the love of his life for 67 years, to be freed from his pain and emptiness, to stand before the Father, who I’m certain will say, “Well done, my good and faithful servant.”
His passing would be a severe mercy. Until then, his life remains a terrible beauty.
*Gratitude to Sheldon Vanauken for his powerful book with this title
My greatest joy in life is my family. I know, that sounds like the comment you’re supposed to make as a man and father. All I can say is I literally shake my head in wonder at the family I have: my wife Beryl; my daughter Barclay and son-in-law Vince, their four daughters, Bella, Brynn, Brooke and Blake; my son Alec, my son Conor and daughter-in-law Bonnie, their daughter Gemma and son Calvin. Every one of them is a genuine gift. Beyond that, I have a calling that I live out through Peregrine Ministries. It is to help men: Understand their identity in Christ, Embrace their role as men, and Live out their God-given calling in life. Bottom line is I’m convinced men matter and I want to help them live life on purpose.
Comments: 22
Dear Craig, my eyes filled with tears as I read your heart-felt comments about your dear father, a godly man I have always respected & loved in his leadership & friend role in church fellowship. Soon, I pray, his vision will clear when he sees his Lord face to face! Since I worked at Trinity when Beryl was there, assisting Neil in the production of his book to his grandchildren, I had the privilege of reading a preliminary copy. His efforts actually prompted me to begin writing regular “letters from Grandma” to each of our grandchildren on their significant days–age 10 (“double digits at last!”), baptism, turning 13 for the boys, 16 for the girls, high school graduation and any trophy-type events. Our children & their spouses receive copies too and have said they’re grateful for the remembrances. I credit Neil with my getting my thoughts on paper to them. You’re blessed (you know this!) to be able to spend this precious time with him in his waning days on Earth. It’s difficult to observe his decline, I know, but he is “ending well” I believe. Thanks for sharing.
Marilyn, I had forgotten that you helped Dad with the publication of his book. Thanks for the reminder. I’m glad his idea lives on to the benefit of your family.
Craig, thanks for sharing your thoughts. We appreciated knowing your dad over the years, especially our time in Florida.
We will be in Minneapolis right after Labor Day and were wondering about stopping in to say hello. However, suspect that might be too disrupting, unless you think otherwise. Please pass on our regards and love
Tom & Joann
Tom, I encourage you to consider dropping in on my dad when you’re in the area. Please shoot me an email when you are about to travel and I’ll check with my sister about how Dad is doing. If he’s doing well your visit might be a real gift to him.
Craig,
I will pray for your Dad tonight as I to have been caring for my 84 year old Mom-Pat who is in Stage 4 Dementia. These past 4 years have been a courageous and painful journey for my Mom. I have never felt closer to her as she becomes more dependent on Christ and her sons. I struggle with her in maintaining her dignity and connection to reality. She is a brave soul like your Dad. God bless our parents as we seek to honor them and serve them as Christ has taught us from his Word. Dick
Dick, I honor you for each day, month and year you have dedicated to your Mom’s care. She did the same for you a few years back. Thank you for fighting for her dignity.
Criag,
What a beautiful tribute to your dad and what a terriffic dad you have had to mentor you, it’s now clear how you have turned out to be such a great leader of men with a heart for God.
Thanks for sharing this personal insight to your dad and family’s life and I’m going to encourage my parents to write down some stories relating the highlights and memories of thier life to share with their grandchildren, and maybe even read it back to them if fall victim to Alzheimers.
Thanks for your friendship and will be praying that God will bless these final days you have with your dad,
Randy
God bless you, Randy. I appreciate your comments, and I’m glad to hear that you’re another person who will be urging your parents to pass on memories to their kids.
Craig, It’s hard for me to put into words what your Dad has meant to me in the more than sixty years I have known him. He is a true lover of Christ, and exemplified Him in his graceful approach to everyone he met. Never a harsh word for anyone; but sometimes a quick humorous response, twinkle in eye, followed by a hearty laugh.
I marvel at the wonderful family he raised to the glory of God.
I know how hard it is to observe the changes dementia makes in a dearly-loved one. AND the thrill to know that our Lord gains the final victory by completely healing that person in His presence in glory.
Uncle Paul
Hi, Uncle Paul! Your words about Dad’s eye-twinkle and humor make me smile. It’s one of the standout characteristics of his personality, isn’t it? Yes, a very kind, gentle, godly soul. I’m glad you have been brothers and friends for so long.
Dear Craig:
I read this with a mixture of sadness and awe. My father also had Altzheimer’s for years. A number of my clients over the years have had Altzheimer’s, including a famous general whose wife was subjected to much abuse because of the disease.
My Dad was a harsh man who died in 1994 at the age of 81. But as I got older, I began to learn a lot about my Dad that helped me understand why he interacted with the world the way that he did. I developed a sympathy for my Dad, particularly after he died, that helped me understand better why I am the way that I am in some things. By God’s grace, my Dad accepted Christ three weeks before he died, during a moment of lucidity that was truly a gift from God. I am grateful for God’s great miracle, granted to my father who was a PK who rejected Christ for so many years because he rejected giving up control.
Anyway…I appreciated your article. I am envious of your relationship with your Dad, even now. I wish I had known about this tool when my Dad was sinking into the abyss. It’s very practical…and of God.
Grace and peace, Craig
John Buckley
John, your words are very honest and touching. Thanks for revealing that journey between you and your father. It’s amazing that he came to the Lord prior to his death. I commend you for being willing to look behind the curtain of his harshness, to try to understand were that may have come from. I regret its impact on you—and pray with you, and for you, that God brings increasing tenderness to you. And through you to those you love. I look forward to being in the study with you this Fall, John.
Thank you! We are trying to make some sense of a similar situation and I found your words really comforting. It is a great idea to tell their stories to our parents. We will be putting this idea into action!
Adrienne, may this simple idea, completely new to me too, make a difference in the remaining time you share with your parents.
Craig and family,
Reading your words of farewell made us recall the long chapter we are experiencing in our lives. My mother died at age 78 in 2001 and my father at age 84 in 2004 without experiencing much that could be called dementia. Sandy’s parents have been at the other end of the spectrum. I will leave to write her own comments, but being the primary care giver is “long obedience in the same direction” to borrow another book title. Sandy has shown remarkable courage and strength along the way.
“Long obedience.” I believe that about you both, Mike. I’d love to hear Sandy’s comments here; we all can learn from her.
Powerful reminder for all of us who have parents in the final season of thier lives…to embrace what we have…grieve what has been lost…and thank the Lord for what He has given us in the gift we call parents.
Amen Craig……Amen!!
Craig, your parents were a blessing to us. I remember Bible Studies at their house as well as several Sunday noon dinners which reminded me of home. What a heritage they have passed on to your family. I pray The Lord will bless and encourage as you all seek to be a blessing back to him in these days.
Thank you for that memory, Greg. They have touched a lot of lives over the years. I’m glad you’re one of them.
Craig,
Thank you for this. I read your blog for the first time yesterday. It was truly a God moment. I am struggling with how to minister to my mother whose life is waning. Our relationship is not as solid as you and your dad’s and the memories maybe not as pleasant, but I want, as a Christian man, to honor her in her remaining time here on this earth. I live many miles away and the telephone – along with an occasional visit – is all I have to communicate with her. I just don’t know what to say. It is awkward and hard. After reading your blog I realized that I did have something to say. Talking about stories from her life not only helped her – it was good for both of us to share a chuckle – but it helped me to think about some of the good memories we have. Thank you.
Frank, I’m so glad you found the blog and that it was a help. Yes, I think the idea of reminding them of their life, telling them stories about themselves that you remember (and they may not) can be a terrific gift. I know the awkwardness of stalled conversations with a parent; this is a subject you can often go to.